if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
