I think i peed on brittanys purse
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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