Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Randomize
