i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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