I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
