I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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