I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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