Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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