so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize
