All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
