It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Sext me about skeletons
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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