They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
