I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
