RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
