Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
