I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
