Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
