now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
