Capitaan dildo arrescate!
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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