life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Randomize
