I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
