My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
You are a genius and a whore.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
