im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
