Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
They took my balls.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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