You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
