I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Randomize
