a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Randomize
