Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
