I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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