"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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