Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
