So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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