Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
