She told me I should be a condom model.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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