This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
