he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
