I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
