Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
