Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
