Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
