If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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