You just made me feel so damn special
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
