i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
