You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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