John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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