so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Randomize
