My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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