to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
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