I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
