When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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