im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
