I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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