I can't breathe out the right side of my face
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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