New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
