she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
