I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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