Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
