It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
