it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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