The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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