You're my little dorito
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
